Post by Just-A-Nobody on May 19, 2018 5:05:51 GMT
Let me start by saying that this will probably be a mess. It's hard for me to sum up emotional issues, but there is so much I need to get off my chest. And since I can't afford real help, you're all getting stuck with me. Or I guess just whoever chooses to open this.
I guess the best place to start is that for a long time, I've felt empty. I'm not sad, but I'm void. I feel like my life, who I am, everything...none of it has any inherent value. Nothing matters. And due to this mind set it's extremely hard for me to feel motivated. If nothing matters then what's the point?
When did I start feeling this way? Pretty much after my last, real life friend, just like all of my other real life, friends up and ditched me. I'm not talking about some RP partner that lived a thousand miles away. I'm saying every, real friend I've had I lost. And it's not because I'm some horrible person, life itself literally cut us apart. I meet people, and then conveniently they just leave, usually due to moving away. Not a single one has ever kept contact. I've tried too, okay? I've tried getting in touch with them.
So all of my friends left, and my mom skipped out on me, so I was alone with just my dad who is an alcoholic. He's okay when he's sober, but is real mean when he's drunk.
And then my mom came back and I decided to leave my dad, and live with her, and her new husband. At first things seemed alright, until I realized what a collossal prick this guy is too. He seems to have two personalities. Nagging, and Explosive.
When in nagging mode he sounds annoyed all the time. He's near constantly criticizing me, and not constructivley I mean just flat criticism, shaming me, and in general the way he talks makes it clear that he thinks I'm an idiot.
Explosive mode doesn't happen to often, but basically he'll fly off the handle about something really small, and his face goes red, and he starts screaming, and looks like he's about to physically lash out.
I have no right to complain of course. Others have lives much worse. I am after all sitting in the comfort of my own room, with a laptop typing this out. The point is this is not meant to be a sob story, merely perspective on where I'm coming from.
So this is why I RP. I use it as a form of escapism, because I hate reality as it is. But the issue is that just like in real life, all of my RP partners eventually leave too and that's why....
I multiaccount. I admit it. I'm not saying which accounts are mine, but I have over the years through emails, and sites used around 20 different identities, because I am so anal about having at least 1 friend that I will play 20 different roles. And this puts a lot of stress of men, because deep down I really just want to be myself, but at the same time I need people in my life. When I post RP ads as "me" I don't get many responses if at all. When I post as one of my personas I get a ton of replies. So people want to be friends with me, only when it's "not" me.
It's why I think I had a legitimate crush on one partner. I had this partner who I messaged from my real account. I was just me with them, and they liked me, and we got along great. I never told them how I felt before they left too... I haven't seen them online in about two years.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting this post to accomplish. I guess I just had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. Sorry for being a downer on your day.
I guess the best place to start is that for a long time, I've felt empty. I'm not sad, but I'm void. I feel like my life, who I am, everything...none of it has any inherent value. Nothing matters. And due to this mind set it's extremely hard for me to feel motivated. If nothing matters then what's the point?
When did I start feeling this way? Pretty much after my last, real life friend, just like all of my other real life, friends up and ditched me. I'm not talking about some RP partner that lived a thousand miles away. I'm saying every, real friend I've had I lost. And it's not because I'm some horrible person, life itself literally cut us apart. I meet people, and then conveniently they just leave, usually due to moving away. Not a single one has ever kept contact. I've tried too, okay? I've tried getting in touch with them.
So all of my friends left, and my mom skipped out on me, so I was alone with just my dad who is an alcoholic. He's okay when he's sober, but is real mean when he's drunk.
And then my mom came back and I decided to leave my dad, and live with her, and her new husband. At first things seemed alright, until I realized what a collossal prick this guy is too. He seems to have two personalities. Nagging, and Explosive.
When in nagging mode he sounds annoyed all the time. He's near constantly criticizing me, and not constructivley I mean just flat criticism, shaming me, and in general the way he talks makes it clear that he thinks I'm an idiot.
Explosive mode doesn't happen to often, but basically he'll fly off the handle about something really small, and his face goes red, and he starts screaming, and looks like he's about to physically lash out.
I have no right to complain of course. Others have lives much worse. I am after all sitting in the comfort of my own room, with a laptop typing this out. The point is this is not meant to be a sob story, merely perspective on where I'm coming from.
So this is why I RP. I use it as a form of escapism, because I hate reality as it is. But the issue is that just like in real life, all of my RP partners eventually leave too and that's why....
I multiaccount. I admit it. I'm not saying which accounts are mine, but I have over the years through emails, and sites used around 20 different identities, because I am so anal about having at least 1 friend that I will play 20 different roles. And this puts a lot of stress of men, because deep down I really just want to be myself, but at the same time I need people in my life. When I post RP ads as "me" I don't get many responses if at all. When I post as one of my personas I get a ton of replies. So people want to be friends with me, only when it's "not" me.
It's why I think I had a legitimate crush on one partner. I had this partner who I messaged from my real account. I was just me with them, and they liked me, and we got along great. I never told them how I felt before they left too... I haven't seen them online in about two years.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting this post to accomplish. I guess I just had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. Sorry for being a downer on your day.